by Dr. Petra Zebroff, Relationship and Sex Therapist

 

Bringing a sex toy into a relationship can be a joyous and titillating moment, but it can also bring up concerns for many couples.

Will my partner think that I am dissatisfied sexually? I don’t want to hurt any feelings! Or, will they think I’m a freak? These are common concerns.

But this conversation can be an opportunity to explore your sexuality and ‘get what you want’ in a way that is fun and engaging.

The more adventurous lover in the couple (and there always is one) might worry that their fascination for double anal dildos, for example, will be met with their partner’s horrified look.

The more cautious lover might be looking for a more ‘sensual’ object, and an anal dildo would never enter their head, let alone the double version. They might worry that they will be pushed into doing something they are not ready to do yet, or that they might look ‘prudish’.

Both kinds of lovers have valid concerns — which can easily be overcome with “the talk”.
Here are a few tips to get you started
1. Choose a non-emotional, relaxed moment

This is not the time to bring up the subject of dirty socks or missed anniversaries. Be relaxed and in a laughing, good-humoured mood.
Make sure you have the time and space to talk undisturbed

The last thing you want is to have a child walk in or cell phone ring. Turn off your phones and enjoy.

2. Be in a brainstorming mind

In a brainstorming session there are no wrong ideas! All ideas are good and judgment-free.

Sexuality, by its very nature, is filled with strong emotion. Agree to table your judgments for this conversation.

Let your partner know you feel uncomfortable, nervous or excited about having this conversation.

Your partner will probably feel at ease if they know that you are feeling the same way.

3. Work WITH your partner

There is always one lover in a partnership that is more adventurous sexually than the other. This is a natural tension in every relationship.

Two tips to ease the tension (depending on which partner you are):

Tip 1. Never put pressure on, or be disappointed with, the partner that has less desire to experiment. Perhaps the less-desire partner has not tapped into the things that work for them sexually yet.

Tip for the more-desire partner: Find out what toy, book, sensual product turns the less-desire partner’s sexual light on and start out with that.

Tip 2. Never blame the partner who has more desire for being ‘bad’ or ‘dirty’.
Perhaps the more-desire partners are feeling stifled or guilty and don’t want to put pressure on their partner.

Tip for the less-desire partner: Find the parts of the more-desire partner’s fantasy that you like and take joy in doing those things together.

Remember, whichever partner you are right now, the two of you are balancing each other out. Celebrate the difference.

4. Use a conversation starter

One of the easiest jumping-off points to a sexual conversation is a sexual contract. A sexual contract is not actually a ‘contract’ at all, but rather a way to talk about specific sexual acts in a safe and non-obtrusive way.
Look at toys TOGETHER

Go to a website that feels like it represents your (and your partner’s) interests. Look together, laugh together, and pick something out that you are both excited about..

Shop Good Vibrations couples products!

—————————————————

Hugely helpful – thank you – Hannah W

I’m just getting started in trying out couples toys. So far, not much luck as my husband seems threatened. I showed him a picture of the Minx and he said “you’ve got to be kidding … that’s huge!”. I decided that it’s best to start with some spearmint flavored lube. He LOVES it. Maybe I can work up to a couples ring. Trying to keep things interesting after 21 years of marriage. – Clarissa L.